My elderly parent wants to take a vacation overseas!

By Bob Gregory

Recently, a friend was venting because his elderly father wants to take a trip to Italy.  My friend thought the trip would be a waste of money as his father currently lives in an Assisted Living Facility and suffers from mild memory issues and needs a walker to get around.  I think he was stressed the most by the fact his father didn’t want him to come along as he knew his son would not be able to take the time off from work.  He insisted his father was not physically capable of making such a trip and he would jeopardize his health and waste money needed for his future.  I was probably not the best sounding board as I like to travel and while I plan carefully for retirement days, I also know that I may never see those days! 

Cover of The Bucket List

We all have a “bucket list” and I’m guessing this trip to Italy is probably one of the top items on his father’s list.  We generally do not grow younger and healthier so you have to consider at what point some of the items on your bucket list will never be fulfilled!  You also have to consider if the items on your list can reasonably be fulfilled financially or practically.  I spend a great deal of time writing about finding the right senior facility to provide our elderly parents’ with a comfortable, safe and healthy retirement as that is a passion of mine.  However, I am also passionate about making sure our elderly are happy and continue to enjoy life to its fullest—so let’s discuss traveling abroad!

Considerations for elder travel.

¶  If you follow my blog, you know the very first consideration is the health of the elder parent.  Discuss the potential travel plans with your parent’s physician and make sure they are healthy enough to travel.  Don’t be concerned about all the details at this point as it may be a moot point if the doctor believes your parent is not healthy enough to travel.

¶  Assuming your parent is healthy enough for the travel, decide how much your parent can comfortably spend without jeopardizing their retirement.  This is the tough part as the budget will determine how far they can travel and how long they can be gone.  The budget should be set before you look at brochures, cruises, airfares etc. and it should be determined solely on the ability to continue living a comfortable life without the funds. Once you set the “maximum” budget, then you can begin to see how far and long your parent can travel.

Boeing 747-400 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

¶  Now that you have a budget, check with a professional travel planner to help you design a trip for your parent’s special needs.  Our population is growing older and travel destinations realize that and have special packages for the elderly or physically impaired.  A professional can help you locate the perfect “package” for your parent.  There are also many “senior” tours that specialize in helping the elderly travel and some provide special assistants to accompany the group.  If you are not going to be able to travel with your parent, make sure they go in a group—especially if they have any memory issues.  Your travel planner can also recommend travel companions that specialize in traveling with the elderly with physical and memory challenges.  All these items cost money and thus the need for the budget!

¶  Once you have narrowed down the list of destinations your parent can afford, it’s time to choose.  I’m not just referring to choosing between different destinations, I’m also referring to choosing to travel or stay home!  Don’t be surprised if the budget and the special assistance requirements cause your parent to give pause and change their mind!  Your parent may have dreams of spending several weeks abroad leisurely touring where as the budget and special needs may limit that trip to one week—of which two days are spent in the air.  You need to give them a few days to think this through before writing the check which will most likely be nonrefundable.  I don’t suggest you try to influence them to stay or go as it needs to be their decision.

English: The Venetian hotel (Las Vegas)
 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

After your parent has chosen a trip, you need to work closely with the travel planner to make sure you have everything your parent needs.  The more involved you are in this step, the more at ease you will be and your parent will be better prepared.  If possible, try to arrange a meeting of some of the group members or special travel companions if they are required.  At this juncture, you need to embrace the fact your parent is making the trip and make it as pleasurable and exciting for them as possible.  You may have the opportunity to travel  a lot in your lifetime, but this may be your parent’s last big trip.  Also, if the budget doesn't allow for your parent to make that “bucket list” trip, then try and improvise to help them realize part of the dream.  For instance, how about a stay in the Venetian Hotel in Las Vegas?  Alright, it’s not Venice, but it is a trip and they do have Gondola rides!  As for my friend, his father is making a trip to Italy in June and I’m not sure which of the two are more nervous.  I may have a different blog for you after he returns so stay tuned!

If would like a list Independent Living Facilities, Assisted Living Facilities, Nursing Homes or any other type of Senior Facility, I hope you will consider www.seniorfacilityfinder.com. 

           

If you would like to contribute your thoughts and ideas, please leave them in our comment section. We want to hear them. Helping people care for themselves or their loved ones is what we care about. 

We look forward to reading yours.

Bob Gregory is an advocate for Seniors and is one of the founders of www.seniorfacilityfinder.com. At SeniorFacilityFinder.com, we are dedicated to helping families get the Elder Care help they need without having to provide their personal information! If find you need an assisted living facility or other type of senior facility, please consider www.seniorfacilityfinder.com

What is Aging in Place and is it a viable option for my elderly parent?

By Bob Gregory

Aging in place is a broad topic and depending on who you turn to for a definition, it can have many different meanings.  The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention defined Aging in Place in their Healthy Places Terminology section as “The ability to live in one’s own home and community safely, independently, and comfortably, regardless of age, income, or ability level.”  This is a great definition and as I stated earlier, very broad, but it doesn’t give much guidance if you are trying to decide if this is an option for you or your elderly parent.  Dr. Marcia Ory, PhD at Texas A&M Health Science narrowed it down a bit as the ability to “live at home as long as possible”.  So what is Aging in Place? Here is my take after researching and speaking with “experts” on the subject.

Aging in place, in my opinion, is really about planning to age.  We all know we are going to grow older and we know there are certain changes that occur to our physical bodies as we age such as decreased agility, loss of muscle strength, reduced or diminished vision and hearing, increased risk for falls and illnesses and potential memory disorders.  We also know that most will see a change in their financial status as retirement brings reduced earnings capacity and limited retirement income.  There are a lot more changes that I could name but the above will certainly be on the short list of whomever you may ask.  So if we know all these things will occur, then why do we fail to plan for them?  Most people do have a plan for retirement but it is usually centered on the amount of money needed to continue a certain lifestyle.  However, most see this “nest egg” as the time to have fun and enjoy life with leisure activities and travel.  Where most retirement planning misses the proverbial “boat” is in the area of aging—thus Aging in Place planning!

Older couple pose in front of their home
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

It is true that the majority of people who are near retirement age would prefer to remain in their current home or a smaller retirement home.  This overwhelmingly large group of retirees see themselves healthy and mobile and spending all their years in their current home right up until their last breath.  The U.S. Census Bureau reported that nearly 79% of people age 75 or older owned their own homes in 2010.  These are the individuals that would have benefited from an Aging in Place plan.  The core of the Aging in Place plan is to assure your home is ready for you to age!  The plan includes modifications to help with all  (or as many as possible) of the physical changes that occur with aging.  These modifications are designed to be made in such a fashion so as not to look institutional.

Some modifications made to a home as part of an Aging in Place plan:

ü  No step-up home.  This includes making the home’s entrance step-free by adding designer ramps and even lifts in the garage if necessary.  The plan will include removing thresholds that divide rooms that present a potential tripping hazard and installing elevators or chair lifts for multi-level homes.

ü  Bathroom safety modifications.  A typical plan would include replacing “slippery” tiles with flooring that is slip resistance.  It will also include modifying the shower so that it will have wheel chair access and the water control and shower heads are made more accessible.  Safety bars are also installed in key locations to help with toileting.  In some cases, the sink and vanity may be lowered for wheelchair access.

UDLL-handicap-accessible-kitchen-sink
(Photo credit: homesower)

ü  Bedroom convenience.  Walk-in closets are configured so that clothing can be accessed from a wheelchair.  Light switches are usually converted to touch and lowered on the wall.  Tall dressers are exchanged for lower chests and clutter is removed for ease of movement.

ü  Kitchen modifications.  Kitchens are modified to allow ease of mobility whether the homeowner needs a walker or a wheelchair.  In general most appliances, including the sink, are lowered to make it easy to reach.  Clearance is often added to the sink and stove top to allow the homeowner to use as if they were a table top.  Upper cabinet storage is usually removed and lower storage is enhanced.

Raised Bed Garden
(Photo credit: Lori L. Stalteri)

ü  Lighting modifications.  Light switches are lowered and converted to touch.  Most rooms will have motion detectors to automatically turn on and off lights.  Special lighting at the floor level is usually added for safe navigation at night.

ü  Outdoor modifications.  Outdoor patios are often equipped with fashionable railings to aid with walking.  Flower beds are raised to reduce squatting or stooping.  Lighting is added for safety and beauty around walkways and paths.

Special care is taken to make sure the home does not look institutionalized while providing all of the same safety features found in an Assisted Living or Nursing Home.  Obviously these modifications, especially with the “designer” touch, are not inexpensive.  This leads me to the second part of the Aging in Place plan.  The financial part of the plan needs to consider the modifications to allow the homeowner to remain in their home and still maintain their standard of living.  This will generally lead to increased retirement savings!  It is advisable to have a contractor that “specializes” in these Aging in Place modifications take a look at your home and give you an estimate on the cost and the various safety features they will be able to add.  In some cases, you may want to consider choosing a new home that can be more easily modified!

Finally, you should also evaluate your current home to make sure it will continue to provide you with conveniences that you now enjoy should you lose the ability to drive!  You may want to consider a neighborhood or community that has shopping and entertainment within the community or on a bus route.  Also, make sure your current community is aging along with you—in other words; make sure it’s not becoming a hot spot for young couples and energetic young kids.  There is a lot to consider when creating your Aging in Place plan and home modifications and financial needs are just a couple.  Don’t forget coverage for health care needs!

If would like a list Independent Living Facilities, Assisted Living Facilities, Nursing Homes or any other type of Senior Facility, I hope you will consider www.seniorfacilityfinder.com. 

           

If you would like to contribute your thoughts and ideas, please leave them in our comment section. We want to hear them. Helping people care for themselves or their loved ones is what we care about. 

We look forward to reading yours.

Bob Gregory is an advocate for Seniors and is one of the founders of www.seniorfacilityfinder.com. At SeniorFacilityFinder.com, we are dedicated to helping families get the Elder Care help they need without having to provide their personal information! If find you need an assisted living facility or other type of senior facility, please consider www.seniorfacilityfinder.com

Related articles

• Aging in Place Definition
• Aging in Place in 2013
• Aging in place: A new frontier in housing

I can’t convince my family that my mother-in-law needs help with her Dementia!

By Bob Gregory

Dealing with in-laws can be a very touchy subject regardless of the relationship you may have.  You are family but then again, you’re not—or at least not blood kin.  Families like to believe they take care of their own, in fact it’s a tradition and honor in many cultures to care for elderly family members regardless of the cost or burden.  It is very difficult for family members to take advice from outsiders even if that outsider is a beloved member of the family through marriage.  In the case of my friend, she seems to see or at least admit what no other “family” member admits—her mother-in-law needs help!

My friend recently reached out for advice on how to help her mother-in-law who is suffering from Dementia.  She is receiving care in her own home by her husband but she feels her mother-in-law is not getting the proper attention that she needs.  Her basic needs are being met, but she is not receiving any type of therapy to help her memory and she receives no stimulation other than what is provided by the television in her room.  My friend has appealed to her husband, father-in-law and other family members but all seem to dismiss her call for action. I stated earlier that dealing with in-laws can be very touchy but it can be downright nasty if you are implying they are not “caring” for a family member.  So what do you do when you think an in-law is not receiving proper or adequate care?

Here are a few suggestions on approaching family about an in-law.

 (Photo credit: Karthick R)

• First, you need to remember and recognize that from their point of view, you are the “in-law”.  What I mean by that is that you are the outsider and it doesn't matter the relationship you have, good or bad, this is a very sensitive area.  Be respectful in pointing out what you “observe” and how you would “approach” the situation if it were your own parent.  Do your best not to be accusatory and avoid harsh words such as abuse, mistreatment or neglect even if you feel it applies.  This type of banter will do nothing to help your in-law as the advice will quickly be viewed as an attack and nothing you offer will be accepted.

• If your in-law has been diagnosed with Dementia, then the doctor should have made some recommendations as to treatments—drug and therapy.  Ask the family members to “educate” you on what is now being prescribed to treat patients with Dementia.  Everyone likes to be put in a position of authority and knowledge so let them educate you on what the doctor recommended and then ask how the different treatments are being applied and are working.  This will force them to recognize they are not following doctor’s orders. Now you have something to discuss without being accusatory.

• If it has been a while since the last doctor’s visit, offer to attend to provide assistance and to be a second set of ears to understand what the doctor is detecting and recommending.  If you are successful, ask the doctor to make recommendations for therapy or proper in home care.  You can then offer to take the lead in contacting these companies and arranging the needed help.  Sometimes it’s just a matter of being willing to do the work.  Be sure and use the appointment to ask the doctor questions in front of family members about the treatment and engage the family in the discussion with your own follow up questions such as “Do you agree we need to get this treatment started?” , “Do  ou have any questions about why this treatment is necessary?” “Is this treatment something we can get started immediately?”etc.  Put them on the spot in front of the doctor, he/she may become your future ally to get your in-law help!

The Secret Garden (Photo credit: @Doug88888)

• If finances are an issue and you are capable of helping, offer the help!  Elderly couples will often put finances ahead of their own or a loved one’s health.  Don’t be naive and believe that money does not play a part in poor health care.  You may offer to pay for a couple of sessions of therapy or additional help.  Generally, health insurance will pay for doctor prescribed therapy but to get the ball rolling, you may want to bring a therapist by for a visit to show your family what the therapy is all about.  Fear of the unknown can easily be a road block.

• Finally, there are legal steps you can take if you believe there is true neglect or abuse.  This is very difficult and I strongly suggest you give careful thought before mentioning this type of intervention.  You may want to seek council before even suggesting as this can ruin individual lives and marriages!  In this writing, I’m referring to “denial” of what is going on and not abuse or neglect so follow your conscience and heart if you believe it is abuse.

The above suggestions are not “one and done” steps.  Repeat them over and over and over and hopefully you will finally get proper care for your in-law.  It’s not surprising that an “outsider” sees what family members do not—denial is a powerful emotion that clouds our better judgment. Be persistent in your appeal for proper help and you will prevail at some point.  The sooner you succeed the better quality of life your in-law, and the family, will experience.  I wish you much success and I’m very proud of you for being such an advocate for your mother-in-law!

If would like a list Independent Living Facilities, Assisted Living Facilities, Nursing Homes or any other type of Senior Facility, I hope you will consider www.seniorfacilityfinder.com. 

           

If you would like to contribute your thoughts and ideas, please leave them in our comment section. We want to hear them. Helping people care for themselves or their loved ones is what we care about. 

We look forward to reading yours.

Bob Gregory is an advocate for Seniors and is one of the founders of www.seniorfacilityfinder.com. At SeniorFacilityFinder.com, we are dedicated to helping families get the Elder Care help they need without having to provide their personal information! If find you need an assisted living facility or other type of senior facility, please consider www.seniorfacilityfinder.com

My parent keeps changing their wishes for their funeral arrangements-how do I handle arrangements

By Bob Gregory

Most children of elderly parents shy away from discussing final funeral arrangements for their parent.  No one wants to think about the time their parent will pass away and most don’t want to discuss it either.  However, I think you will be surprised to find how many elderly parents are more than willing to tell their children exactly what they would like for their final send off from this world.  In fact, you may find yourself getting new versions all the time and that’s where the real issue begins!

None of us can say with any certainty when our death will occur but we can all be sure it will occur.  Planning for the future should include more than where one will retire, how much money they will have and where they will travel.  It should also include the end of life plan.  This plan should include the proper documents that need to be in place such as a Living Will, Trust Documents, Do Not Resuscitate Form (DNR) and a Healthcare Power of Attorney.  It should also include your final wishes for the proper burial once you have passed away.  Individuals’ preferences vary widely on this matter and you should make your wishes clear.  These wishes are usually spelled out in detail as part of the Will.  If your parent does not have these documents or their final wishes detailed in the will, I strongly suggest you get them completed and read my post “What legal documents does my aging parent need to insure their end- of-life medical wishes are followed?”

 (Photo credit: paul goyette)

If you can get your parent to complete the forms I listed above, then their end of life wishes should be detailed in the Will.  I suggest you keep a copy with you as well as with the attorney.  It is always a good practice to review legal documents from time to time as significant changes occur throughout our lives.  This can be true of funeral arrangements as well.  It is not uncommon for individuals nearing end of life to become more Spiritual or “find” God.  Certain Religions have guidelines, sometimes rules, an individual must follow for their final burial.  If so, you will want to revisit what was included in the Will and make any revisions necessary to comply with your parent’s religious belief and wish.  This can usually be achieved by a Codicil (addition) to the Will so the entire Will does not have to be rewritten.  Be sure and detail in writing your parent’s wishes before contacting the attorney.

If your parent does not have a Will and you are not successful in convincing your parent to have one written, then sit down and write down exactly what your parent would like.  I suggest you have your parent date and sign the document.  This will allow you to “remind” your parent what their wishes were at that particular time.  If they wish to change the plans, do so in the same manner so you will always have the latest version on hand with a date and signature.  Generally, if someone changes their mind about their final wishes, it is either to simplify or to embellish, so be prepared.

Prepaid funerals can be a very good way to plan and assure that your parent’s wishes are carried out properly and the financial means are available.  Most funeral homes have prepaid plans available and most are very flexible—this will allow your parent to change their mind within the budget they have prepaid!  Make sure you deal with a well established funeral home and beware of changes in ownership.  Prepaid funerals are also a good way to assure emotions do not dictate what type of funeral is purchased after a loved one has passed away.  Choosing and paying for one’s funeral in advance can be a little unsettling so prepare yourself and your parent.  Also, don’t think that the task is complete and all is settled once you have prepaid.  Often there will be some up- selling by the funeral home at the time of death so don’t let your 

Red sunset (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

emotions get in the way of your parent’s plan!

You parent will most likely change their mind about their final funeral arrangements at least once in their life time so be patient.  If you have not been successful in implementing any of the above, then go with the last thing your parent told you and not what you may remember from many years ago.  My mother had planned a very elaborate funeral right down to the color and type gown to wear.  She had made this wish known for years and we all knew exactly what she wanted.  In the last year of her life she literally did a 180 degree turn on what she wanted and insisted on a very simple ceremony.  In the end, her wish was to make it simple and easy on her children she was leaving behind—an unexpected favor to us!

If would like a list Independent Living Facilities, Assisted Living Facilities, Nursing Homes or any other type of Senior Facility, I hope you will consider www.seniorfacilityfinder.com. 

           

If you would like to contribute your thoughts and ideas, please leave them in our comment section. We want to hear them. Helping people care for themselves or their loved ones is what we care about. 

We look forward to reading yours.

Bob Gregory is an advocate for Seniors and is one of the founders of www.seniorfacilityfinder.com. At SeniorFacilityFinder.com, we are dedicated to helping families get the Elder Care help they need without having to provide their personal information! If find you need an assisted living facility or other type of senior facility, please consider www.seniorfacilityfinder.com

Related articles

• The Funeral Planning Checklist..
• Simplify your work with the pre paid funeral plans Hempstead

What is an Assisted Living Facility with Memory Care and is it right for my elderly parent?

By Bob Gregory

Choosing the right Senior Facility can be a daunting task and it can be very complicated if your elderly parent suffers from memory issues.  Memory care units within an Assisted Living Facility are designed to care for residents who suffer from mild to moderate memory loss caused by degenerative diseases such as Dementia or Alzheimer’s.  These types of facilities offer your parent the special care and assistance they need while still allowing the resident to enjoy continued independence. 

Keeping the memories alive
 (Photo credit: fernanda_maria)

Services provided by the Memory Care units of an Assisted Living Facility:

ü  Security:  Memory Care units generally offer a secure area for individuals with memory impairment diseases.  Generally a wing, or building depending on the size facility, is designated as the Memory Care unit and provides a higher level of security for residents who may wander off and get lost.  Some of these units are considered “lock down” units and may secure or “lock” the doors so residents do not wander off premises.  Levels of lock down vary so you will need to ask.  Some units lock the exits only at night and others have them secured all day.  The staff is normally trained to assist residents when they become “lost” and provide compassion and reassurance as they help the resident return to their quarters.

ü  Memory Therapy: Most Assisted Living Facilities with Memory Care units provide activities designed to provide therapy for their residents.  These activities are designed to be fun, engaging and rehabilitating.  Sensory and Cognitive therapies are generally the focus of the activities but most will include physical therapy as well.  Some have activities especially designed to address the symptoms of aggression and agitation that are associated with degenerative memory diseases.  Therapy may be provided on an individual basis but most are performed in a group setting to promote socializing.  Many facilities now use online memory games and skill activities.  Online programs provide an expansive and ever changing data base of games and activities to challenge and measure progress of the participant.

ü  Enhanced Medication Assistance:  Assisted Living Facilities normally provide assistance with administering residents’ medication.  In facilities with Memory Care, the nurses assure the medication is taken on time.  They are also trained to note changes in behavior and carefully document and notify the primary physician of these changes.

ü  Increased Care Level:  Assisted Living Facilities are designed to help individuals who need assistance performing normal daily functions such as bathing, eating, toileting, dressing, etc.  Facilities with Memory Care units provide a higher level of service for residents who need the same assistance, but may not “remember” they need to perform the daily functions.  In the Memory Care units, caregivers monitor whether a resident is eating, bathing, etc.

English: Logo of Alzheimer's Society.
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

As in any Senior Facility, not all Assisted Living Facilities with Memory Care units are the same and they don’t all provide the same level of care.  You need to do your research as to exactly what level and type of care they do provide.  Make sure your parent’s physician agrees that an Assisted Living Facility with a Memory Unit is sufficient for your parent’s degree of memory degeneration.  You should also discuss your research with the physician to get concurrence that the facility is providing the type of care your parent requires.  I also encourage you to observe the residents in the Memory Care unit and ask at what point the facility would recommend you move your parent to a higher level of care facility such as a Nursing Home.  Finally, you want to be sure your parent is living with residents with similar levels of memory degeneration to promote healthy socialization.

If would like a list Independent Living Facilities, Assisted Living Facilities, Nursing Homes or any other type of Senior Facility, I hope you will consider www.seniorfacilityfinder.com. 

           

If you would like to contribute your thoughts and ideas, please leave them in our comment section. We want to hear them. Helping people care for themselves or their loved ones is what we care about. 

We look forward to reading yours.

Bob Gregory is an advocate for Seniors and is one of the founders of www.seniorfacilityfinder.com. At SeniorFacilityFinder.com, we are dedicated to helping families get the Elder Care help they need without having to provide their personal information! If find you need an assisted living facility or other type of senior facility, please consider www.seniorfacilityfinder.com

Related articles

• What is Memory Care and How Much Should it Cost? - Assisted Living Today
• It's Not Alzheimer's - Why Your Memory is Going?

I can’t seem to make my elder parent happy in their Senior Facility and it’s stressing me out!

By Bob Gregory

There are a lot of cute little sayings that come to mind when I hear this “cry” from children who have gone out of their way to make their elderly parent happy.  One that comes to mind is “you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make it drink”!  This saying is very befitting as no one can really be responsible for another person’s happiness.  We can certainly set the stage for another person to be happy, but in the end, it’s up to the individual to find happiness from within and joy from their surroundings. 

Children of elderly parents in a Senior Facility will experience many different emotions ranging from guilt (please read my post “I know a nursing home is the best move for my elderly parent, so why do I feel so guilty?”) to fulfilled or happy to sad.  Most believe these feelings were generated by the move of the parent to a Senior Facility but if you step back, you will realize you have experienced these emotions all of your life when it comes to your parents!  If you are fortunate, and most are, your parent will settle into this new stage of life and will enjoy their Senior Facility.  Hopefully you will feel confident in your decision in choosing the facility and happy that your parent is happy.  But not all of us will be so fortunate, some of us will go out of our way to make sure our parent is happy in their Senior Facility and we will “seem” to fail miserably!  A word of encouragement—“it’s not your fault!”

If you have followed my advice from earlier writings, then you have done your research carefully and you have found a facility that meets your parent’s physical and mental needs.  The facility has competent health care and loving and attentive caregivers.  It will also have fun activities, entertainment and a wonderful cuisine.  So why is your parent unhappy?  Here are some reasons they may be unhappy and they don’t stem from you!

Reasons your parent may be unhappy:

¶  I always start with the one that should concern all of us the most and that is health or mental issues.  Symptoms of Depression, Dementia or Alzheimer’s may appear as if the individual is just unhappy.  As I often advise, get your parent tested to make sure their unhappiness is not a symptom of a mental or even a physical condition.  Medications can also cause a person to seem unhappy.  A medical cause may actually be the easiest to identify but the most difficult to fix.  Ease your stress and your conscience by having your parent evaluated!

English: lonely, unhappiness sp: tristeza, desânimo, desgosto (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

¶  Your parent may be stubborn and unwilling to accept this new stage of life.  Not everyone ages gracefully so don’t expect your parent to be complacent about growing older.  Their anger and frustration with this new stage of life may very well manifest itself as just being unhappy.  Defiant individuals are often unhappy and unfortunately, there is nothing you can do to change the aging process.  Think back over the years and see if your parent has exhibited signs of being stubborn,  defiant or uncompromising.  If so, you may have found your answer and again, it has nothing to do with you. Sometimes counseling can help but the individual being counseled must have the desire to get “better”. 

¶  Your parent’s unhappiness could very well stem from grief they are unable or unwilling to overcome.  If your parents were close and one has passed on, you may not realize your parent is still dealing with grief.  Time doesn’t always cure everything and in fact, it can have just the opposite effect.  I experienced this situation with my own mother as she never moved on or recovered from the grief of the death of my father.  She would have moments when all seemed well, but the majority of the time she was a very unhappy person. My siblings and I tried to discuss the grief with her but she always denied that the grief was the cause of her unhappiness.  We encouraged her to seek counseling but she refused.  If this is your situation, then I encourage you to seek professional advice on how to deal with your parent’s grief.  For me, it came up quite often.

Robert Plutchik's Wheel of Emotions
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

¶  Your parent may just be an unhappy person!  It sounds a little trite but there are individuals who are never truly happy.  I have experienced a few individuals who are never happy and I think it is somewhat synonymous with unsatisfied.  These are individuals where nothing is ever good enough; there is always room for improvement.  There is little you can do to help an individual like this and if you did your due diligence on the Senior Facility as I stated earlier, then take comfort in that and be happy!

The best way to handle a parent who you just can’t seem to make happy in their Senior Facility is to be confident in your decision and project happiness and joy whenever you are around them.  Don’t let them drag you down as you are not responsible for their happiness.  You have given them every opportunity to be happy and enjoy the rest of their life and that’s truly all you can do!

If would like a list Independent Living Facilities, Assisted Living Facilities, Nursing Homes or any other type of Senior Facility, I hope you will consider www.seniorfacilityfinder.com. 

           

If you would like to contribute your thoughts and ideas, please leave them in our comment section. We want to hear them. Helping people care for themselves or their loved ones is what we care about. 

We look forward to reading yours.

Bob Gregory is an advocate for Seniors and is one of the founders of www.seniorfacilityfinder.com. At SeniorFacilityFinder.com, we are dedicated to helping families get the Elder Care help they need without having to provide their personal information! If find you need an assisted living facility or other type of senior facility, please consider www.seniorfacilityfinder.com

Related articles

• What is Happiness?
• Cultivating Happiness: a personal quest
• Happiness is a do-it-yourself job. Feel like it or act like it, which comes first?

My elderly mother wants me to take her out of the Nursing Home to go shopping—where do I start!

By Bob Gregory

 You can start by being thankful that your mother still embraces life and wants to participate in the world around her!  So many elderly people have the attitude that a Nursing Home is where they go to wait for the end of life.  This may be true in its most literal sense but the quality of life and how one enjoys their time can be completely different.  You mother still sees herself as “alive” and wants to continue the experiences she had when she didn’t need a Nursing Home and you need to help her continue that positive attitude.  There is an old saying that life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you react to what happens and I think your mother is definitely reacting to her situation in a very positive manner.  I have some suggestions that may make you feel more comfortable taking your mother shopping and turning an experience you may dread into something you both can enjoy. 

Ideas for taking an elderly parent on an outing:

v  First and foremost, make sure your parent is physically and mentally well enough to go on an outing.  The will and determination of your parent to go may be overshadowed by their medical ability to leave the facility.  Discuss the outing with the caregivers and make sure they are in agreement your parent is capable of handling the planned outing.  Also, discuss the duration of the outing and any special needs that you should be aware of during the outing such as medications, special toileting, transportation etc.

able to carry a wheel chair.
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

v  If your parent is in a wheelchair or needs to carry special medical equipment and you are not prepared to handle the transportation, I suggest contacting a transportation company that specializes in transporting physically challenged individuals.  You can meet your parent at the Senior Facility and ride with them to and from the shopping mall.  Do some research on the transportation companies available and discuss with them the needs of your parent, the destination and duration of the outing.  Some companies will even provide an assistant for the day to help with the chair, equipment etc.

English: Family Bathroom sign
 (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

v  Not the same sex as your elderly parent and worried about toileting and changing rooms?  This is usually more stressful than another aspect of the outing for most children and their elder parent.  If you and your parent are comfortable with the toileting and dressing room, then do the research on stores and restaurants that offer “family” restrooms and dressing rooms.  Most major department stores and large chain restaurants now accommodate “families”.  A simple phone call to the stores or restaurants you plan to visit will confirm they can or cannot accommodate you and that will give you time to rearrange your outing so there are no surprises.  If you or your elderly parent is uncomfortable, then there are alternatives.  Simply contact an In Home Healthcare provider for an assistant for the day.  These companies can provide just the right type of assistant whether it is for help in the bathroom or changing room or even help administering medication and tending to special medical equipment.  There are also Adult Sitters that you can hire for the day to come along to assist.  Again, explain the nature of the outing, the needs of your parent and the duration.

Be careful not to plan too much activity for your parent so that the outing does not become a mental or physical setback for them.  The outing should be a wonderful experience for you and your parent and you will be surprised at the stories your parent will share with their friends about the day!  It’s a great mental boost for someone to feel the freedom of going out on an adventure even if it’s for a short shopping trip.  I would suggest you do everything in your power to make the outing happen and try to avoid negative conversations about how much the outing is costing you or how difficult it was to make the arrangements.  If you do have to decline the outing due to your parent’s health or the task is more than you can handle or afford, then try and present an alternative such as shopping online with your parent and bringing back outfits for them to try.  You can also get permission to bring “take out” food from your parent’s favorite restaurant and make the experience as close to an outing as possible.

If would like a list Independent Living Facilities, Assisted Living Facilities, Nursing Homes or any other type of Senior Facility, I hope you will consider www.seniorfacilityfinder.com. 

           

If you would like to contribute your thoughts and ideas, please leave them in our comment section. We want to hear them. Helping people care for themselves or their loved ones is what we care about. 

We look forward to reading yours.

Bob Gregory is an advocate for Seniors and is one of the founders of www.seniorfacilityfinder.com. At SeniorFacilityFinder.com, we are dedicated to helping families get the Elder Care help they need without having to provide their personal information! If find you need an assisted living facility or other type of senior facility, please consider www.seniorfacilityfinder.com