It’s time to take the car keys from my elderly parent—where do I begin?

By Bob Gregory

In my last post, “My parent is moving to a Senior Facility, is it time to take the car keys?” I gave you some signs and reasons it may be time to take the car keys.  If you are reading this post, I must assume your parent needs to give up the keys!  Before we discuss where to begin, I hope you are taking this decision very serious as your parent sure will.  When we first begin our life as young adults, we work toward owning our own home, a great car and having our dream job.  As we reach the later years of our life, we retire from our jobs, we sell our home in favor of a Senior Facility and we eventually give up our cars.  If you have an elderly parent, you know none of these are surrendered peacefully!  Most people “retire” because they can no longer work and selling the house and car is a sure sign we are nearing the end of our time on earth.  Be sure giving up the car is the right decision and if so, then be committed to get rid of it!

Here are some ideas that may help:

1. I hope you took my advice and took a ride with your parent; this is the best way to evaluate their ability and it is certainly the best place to begin the conversation!  Begin by asking your parent to evaluate their ability and what happened on your evaluation ride.  If they feel they did a good job—and they probably will—then question them about items you noted during the ride.  Point out the dangers of the problem areas and discuss reasons they may have had problems such as diminished sight, hearing, lack of motion and memory issues.  You should also stress you are not only concerned for their safety but for the safety of fellow drivers, passengers and bystanders.

Nyckelring (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

2. Seldom do parents listen to their children regarding giving up the car keys so do not be discouraged if your discussion does not result in the surrender of the keys.  Your next course of action is to involve the professionals.  Have your parent evaluated by their physician and their optometrist/ophthalmologist for a “professional” opinion.  These evaluations should confirm your own findings and hopefully, an outside “professional” opinion should result in the surrender of the keys!

3. If your parent is still obstinate after discussions and evaluations, then challenge them to retake the driving test and eye exam.  Your promise to them if they comply is to drop the subject of giving up the keys if they can pass the driving and eye exam.  I personally have never heard of a parent taking the challenge but it should put you in a much stronger position to insist they give up the keys.

4. Discuss the legal considerations of continuing to drive.  A lawsuit for an at-fault accident not covered by insurance can potentially take retirement funds your parent has saved.  Your parent’s insurance agent or attorney can certainly back you up on this point.  You may find your parent can no longer be insured if you provide the insurance company with a letter from the doctor as to their physical or mental ability to drive.  Please get legal advice before releasing any medical information you may have access!  This is also a good time to discuss the moral obligation to avoid endangering others; on this point, you may want to involve your parent’s pastor or religious advisor.

If you feel your parent or others are in immediate danger, hide the keys or take the car!  Part of your parent’s fear of giving up the car keys is becoming a “shut-in”.  You can help this fear by having a plan for alternative transportation.  Be smart and do not include yourself as their only alternative, you know how you have disappointed them in the past and if you do not know, they will certainly remind you!  Introduce your parent to a trusted cab company, driver at the senior facility (if they are living in one) and involve other family members willing to help.  Make sure you express to your parent you are taking the car out of love and concern and this move will help you keep them for many years to come!

For me, I went through all of the above before convincing my mother to allow me to sell the car!  She was pleased to receive the money as she feared needing support from her children.  This is not an easy chore and in some respects, it was more difficult than convincing her she needed an Assisted Living Facility.  I wish you good luck for your sake, your parent’s and all the rest of us out there on the highway!

If you find you need an Assisted Living Facility, Nursing Home or any other type of Senior Facility, I hope you will consider www.seniorfacilityfinder.com.

If you would like to contribute your thoughts and ideas, please leave them in our comment section. We want to hear them. Helping people care for themselves or their loved ones is what we care about. 

We look forward to reading yours.

Bob Gregory is an advocate for Seniors and is one of the founders of www.seniorfacilityfinder.com. At SeniorFacilityFinder.com, we are dedicated to helping families get the Elder Care help they need without having to provide their personal information! If find you need an assisted living facility or other type of senior facility, please consider www.seniorfacilityfinder.com

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Should I bring my parent home from the Senior Facility for the Holidays?

By Bob Gregory

The Holidays are supposed to be a joyous and happy time of the year for all, but for many they are the most stressful days of the year!  Holidays are a time when friends and family come together to celebrate.  We have parties, dinners, social events and gatherings that keep us busy from November through the first of the New Year.   There is little time for relaxing with so much planning, preparation and entertaining, so how do you deal with a parent in a Senior Facility?  The decision whether or not to bring your parent to your home for the Holidays will add a little stress with a touch of guilt and how you handle that decision will determine how high the stress and how great the guilt!

I have not found a set of hard fast rules to follow regarding bring a parent home for the Holidays, but I have encountered quite a bit of advice and several tips that you should consider:

1. Is your parent healthy enough to come to your home for the Holidays?  If your parent is in an Assisted Living Facility because they need some assistance with daily activities, then they may be up to a few days away and you may be able to provide the assistance they need during their stay at your home.  However, if they are in a Nursing Home due to poor health, the stress of moving them for a few days may be too much for them and you may not be prepared to give them the care they need.  Be sure and consult the healthcare professionals at the facility before making any decision.

English: Christmas Day in a nursing home Noon on Christmas Day and the residents of Gallions View 369824 are waiting for their Christmas lunch. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

2. Does your parent wish to leave the facility for the Holidays?  We all want to be home for the Holidays but don’t forget that your parent is at home in the facility!  Most facilities have quite a few functions and activities to celebrate the Holidays and your attendance at some of these may be all your parent wishes.  Be sure and ask your parent if they would like to come home with you but understand they may not.  Before you discuss coming to stay at your home with your parent, consult the healthcare professionals first.  This may save big disappointment if they are not well enough to leave or it is ill advised to move them.

3. Will your parent get ignored at your home?  If you have a very active Holiday schedule, your parent may feel they are being ignored and may be lonely.  Keep in mind that it can be very depressing to sit on the sidelines and watch while everyone else is busy with preparations of meals, parties and shopping that your parent may not be physically able to participate.  Also, your bedtime schedule is probably a lot different than your parent’s and that may limit their participation in the festivities.  Take the time to evaluate how much time you can spend with your parent if they are at your home—it may be less than you think!

4. Are you prepared to stop your celebrating to return your parent to the Senior Facility?  The thought of coming to your home for the Holidays may be very exciting and it may be something your parent wishes to do.  However, don’t be surprised if they decide they want to go back to their ”home” shortly after arriving at yours!  Even though you are family and you are prepared to give the best care, it is still a big change from their normal routine and it can be quite upsetting.  Most facilities keep very tight schedules and we all know schedules go out the door during Holidays.  The new environment may be too much and you need to be prepared to take your parent back to the facility if they wish to leave.  If you’ve traveled a long distance to get your parent, this can be a challenge and you can bet they will want to leave at the most inopportune time—be patient!

If you have given careful thought to the above considerations as well as many others you may think of yourself, you may be ready to have your parent home for the Holidays! 

If you decide it’s best for your parent to remain in their senior facility, here are a couple of tips to make the Holidays more joyous for both of you.

1. Visit, visit, visit!  If you live close to your parent, then schedule as many visits as possible during the Holidays.  Be sure and get a copy of the activities calendar for the facility and schedule to attend as many Holiday events as possible.  .  Be sure and share your Holiday schedule with your parent so they will know when to expect you.  If you live far away, then make an effort to call more often.

2. Share stories and pictures of the celebrations you are attending or are hosting.  Don’t make the mistake of thinking your parent will feel depressed to hear about the good time you are having during the Holidays.  You will find that your parent will be very excited to see pictures and hear stories about your parties and celebrations.  Encourage them to tell you stories of the parties and events they have attended at the facility and be sure and spend some time reminiscing about the Holidays when everyone was together.

3. Gifts, goodies and cards.  Holidays are definitely a time for sharing so drop off gifts, goodies and Holiday cards as often as possible or send small packages as often as possible if you don’t live close by.  Being remembered by a loved one brings warmth and feelings of love.  It also gives your parent a reason to socialize with other residents to share goodies and show cards and gifts.  You don’t have to spend a lot of money because small packages bring great joy!  Make sure your parent can enjoy the goodies you send and be sure to send enough to share.  If you enjoy cooking, send homemade goodies and include a short note about why that goody is special—old family recipe, big hit at your Holiday party or just wanted to try something new.

4. Friends and family.  You probably have other family members who can participate in all of the above and you should encourage them to do so!  Request family members to accompany you on visits and bring as many different members at different times as you possibly can.  Offer to take friends of your parent by for a quick visit if they are able to attend such an outing.  It will be beneficial to both the friend and your parent.

5. Be happy and joyous!  Be sure and set the tone for your visits and communications with your parent by being happy and joyous—it’s contagious.  Pass on good news and avoid complaining.

I hope some these ideas and tips will make this Holiday season a little less stressful and much more enjoyable with your parent or loved one that resides in a Senior Facility.  Stay positive and don’t set expectations that you can’t possibly achieve! 

If you would like to contribute your thoughts and ideas, please leave them in our comment section. We want to hear them. Helping people care for themselves or their loved ones is what we care about. 

We look forward to reading yours.

Bob Gregory is an advocate for Seniors and is one of the founders of  www.seniorfacilityfinder.com. At SeniorFacilityFinder.com, we are dedicated to helping families get the Elder Care help they need without having to provide their personal information! If you find you need an Assisted Living Facility or other type of senior facility, please consider www.seniorfacilityfinder.com.

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Signs that tell you when it time to get help for your aging parent

By Bob Gregory

The Sandwich Generation (Photo credit: MediaStorm)

Do you have aging parents who are entering a stage of life where they may need some extra help? How do you know when it’s time to step in and provide that needed assistance that most elderly parents don’t want to admit they need.  At Nursing Home Facility Finder and Senior Facility finder, we want you to know that this is not unique to you and that you are not alone in your plight.

If you're in this situation you may be wondering how I can tell if my aging parent/s needs help, additional care or possibly need more dedicated care like that provided by an assisted living facility.  Here are  the signs that your aging parent needs additional care such as an assisted living facility or even a nursing home?

Four Signs to Look for

·         If your parent becomes easily confused or disoriented during normal conversation or doing mundane tasks

·        If they are having a hard time walking short distances or you are aware they are falling frequently

·        If their personal hygiene is no longer proper and you notice they are not bathing or wearing clothes which have not been laundered or if they seem to wear the same outfit all the time

·        If they tell you that they are eating properly but they are losing weight and you find uneaten meals in their refrigerator or learn that groceries are not being purchased on a regular basis

These common signs do not always mean your parent needs an assisted living facility or a nursing home.  But you may want to have them assessed by a physician to see if additional care is justified.  Some of these signs can indicate other illnesses, including depression.  Also, if you are successful in getting your parent to agree to an assessment, ask permission to be part of the discussion with the physician so nothing is lost in the passing of information and you get an opportunity to ask candid questions! 

If you find your parent needs an assisted living facility or other type of senior facility, please consider visiting  Nursing Home Facility Finder or Senior Facility Finder where you will never be asked for personal information to search for a list of senior facilities in Florida that meet your needs. 

Your opinions are welcome, leave your comments below.

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